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The Pandemic of Pastoral Loneliness
Why are pastors experiencing this seemingly universal pattern of loneliness?
I recently spent a couple of days around a table with 8 pastors discussing life and ministry. They ranged in age from their mid-forties to mid-fifties. Many of these guys, you’d know their names because they’ve had a significant impact on the Kingdom. But I’ve known most of these guys before their churches were large, and they were just young, wide-eyed kids that loved Jesus and wanted to see His name exalted. I can also say from experience that these are good men. Every one of them is a kind, humble, wonderful man of God. I tell you that information because of the subject we’ll address in a minute.
During our time together, we were joined by an older, retired pastor in his late sixties who came to mentor us. It was awesome to bounce questions off a godly man further down the road than us. Over the course of our time together, we found ourselves laughing a lot, telling war stories of crazy deacons and what it was like in our twenties to mop the floors of the high school bathrooms our church plants were meeting in.
After lunch on our second day together, our conversation took on a somber tone. Our mentor pastor looked at us and asked a pointed question. “How many of you men have had a personal, top-three kind of friend betray you in the last three years?” After a long pause, with my head down, I raised my hand. I was getting the story straight in my head, so I could explain it to the group, when I looked up at the rest of the guys. To my surprise, every pastor in the room had his hand raised. Every. Single. One. The older pastor didn’t seem shocked at all. He just nodded his head with a sage-like “Dang, I’m sorry, guys” look on his face. The guys slowly began to tell their stories. Stories of friends who had been at their church for 15 years, gone on vacation with their family, then left the church without as much as a text goodbye. Others told stories of their wives who lost a close, personal friend because of something the pastor said from the pulpit. Still others told stories about a friend they had confided in, only to discover that that “friend” was gossiping about them behind their backs. But the saddest part is that after each sad story, all the men nodded in agreement, as if to say: “Yep, I’ve walked through that one myself.”
As I looked around the circle of pastors, all with hands raised, telling their stories of hurt and betrayal, in one sense, I was oddly comforted by the reality that I wasn’t alone. But my sense of relief was quickly replaced by a keen sadness at the burden that pastors carry. My thoughts drifted to my youngest son, who is currently wrestling with a call to ministry. What would his life be like? Would he know the pain that I and all these men have experienced? Unfortunately, if he stays in the ministry long enough, the answer will be yes.
After the stories slowed down, the older pastor asked one final question: “How many of you have a best friend? The kind of friend who would drive across the country at 3 a.m. just because you need him. And you’ve had that friend for longer than 5 years?” I breathed a sigh of relief and raised my hand, this time for a good reason. I have a friend like that, and for the last 20 years, he’s been one of the greatest gifts God has ever given me. But what happened next literally made my jaw drop. I looked around and I quickly realized I was the only guy with his hand in the air. I spoke up and asked aloud to the group, “Wait … none of y’all have a best friend like that?” They all shook their head. One of the pastors explained that he had several “ministry” friends; guys across the country who had grown up with them in ministry and become close. A few of the guys talked about how they’d had an elder they loved and respected, or maybe a guy on staff that he’d hang with over lunch. Many of the guys were extroverts who confessed they had a hundred semi-close acquaintances, but a best friend? Only one out of eight guys in the room said yes.
We spent much of the rest of that day talking about what I would consider a pandemic of loneliness among pastors. I don’t have any hard data or statistics about loneliness among leaders in ministry, just that one small data set of men I hung out with, and my own life experience. So maybe loneliness is not as widespread as I think, but my gut says that’s not the case.
The Reason for Loneliness
Why are pastors experiencing this seemingly universal pattern of loneliness?
Unfortunately, there’s not one simple, air-tight answer. But the reality is that many pastors experience loneliness as a self-inflicted wound. Pastors are notorious for isolating themselves from deep and authentic community. But why pastors choose isolation is at the heart of the problem. The reality is that I’ve met thousands of pastors over my thirty years of vocational ministry, and I can count on one hand the number of them who have been narcissists who thought more highly of themselves than they should. On the other hand, the overwhelming majority of them aren’t jerks or narcissists, but amazing people who got into ministry because they genuinely love Jesus and His Bride. But then, somewhere along the way in their ministry journey, they got hurt or betrayed one too many times by people they’d let into their lives. As a result, they put up their guard, withdrew to the security of their own family, and stopped pursuing friendship and community altogether.
The Solution for Loneliness
With the rest of this article, I want to offer some Biblical and practical advice on how I’ve fought against this problem of loneliness.
Follow Jesus’s Example
A few years ago, I was dealing with a particularly hurtful betrayal from a close friend in ministry, and everything within my flesh was crying out, “Don’t ever let someone else get close to you again!” But one morning during the worst part of it, I was studying for a sermon and came across Isaiah 53:3-4. Listen to how Isaiah described what Jesus would endure:
He was despised and rejected by men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief … Surely, he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows.
Read that again slowly. Pay attention to the words. It says: Jesus was despised and rejected by men. There were a lot of people who hated Jesus’ guts. They despised and rejected Him. And the crazy part was that Jesus was perfect. He never messed up, sinned, or was selfish. On the other hand, in every betrayal I’ve experienced, I promised I played a role in it, even if small or unjustified. But Jesus didn’t deserve any of it.
The last part of the verse is key: “Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows.” Despite the betrayal, grief, and hurt He received, He chose to walk through it anyway. As I was reading the verse, a thought came to my mind that I can only assume was from the Holy Spirit. The thought was this: “Jesus didn’t come to be loved; He came to love.”
That was a pivotal moment in my life and ministry. I remembered that Jesus didn’t call me into ministry to be loved and accepted. He called me to be His hands and feet. And last time I checked, it was Jesus’ hands and feet they pierced through with nails.
Pray Intentionally for Godly Friendships
I shared earlier that I have a best friend. He’s been amazing to me and my family. If I outlive him, I will grieve like a lost a brother. But in hindsight, I’m convinced my meeting him was not an accident but a gift from God. And that gift was the result of an answered prayer. The year was 2006, and I was experiencing an intense period of loneliness in my life and ministry. One morning in my time with the Lord, I did something crazy. I simply prayed: “God, I’m feeling isolated and alone. While you and my family are more than enough, God, would you please provide a friend for me?” I quickly forgot about it. But a short time later, after services one night, I was walking down the hallway of our church and met the man who would eventually become my best friend. I genuinely believe that wasn’t a coincidence but an answer to prayer. Have you prayed for God to provide that for you? Our God is the giver of all good gifts.
Be The Friend and Mentor You Long For
I was recently talking to a friend of mine about this very subject. His advice was memorable and worth sharing. He said, “Matt, every man needs a Paul, a Barnabas, and a Timothy in their life.” He went on to say that he fought loneliness in his life by consistently pursuing three relationships simultaneously. An older, wiser man to pour into him. A younger man for him to pour into. And someone that’s in his life that doesn’t want anything from him but is there to simply be an encouragement and faithful friend. He added that he also strived to be a Barnabas for someone else. What fantastic advice.
If we lean into Jesus, pray for God to provide, and simultaneously pursue those Paul, Timothy, and Barnabas relationships, then there’s a good chance we’ll bring healing to this pandemic in our lives.
