Article

Church Planters Must Fight for Friendship

Noah Oldham

If there is one thing I’ve learned to be true, the rumors are right: church planting can be devastatingly lonely.

There’s an infamous rumor that church planting is a lonely journey. Since 2020, one of my responsibilities has been to oversee Church Planter and Spouse Care for the largest church planting network in North America. For the previous nine years, I was a Send City Missionary for St. Louis, one of the front-line leaders in helping plant churches all over the St. Louis metro region. One of my main responsibilities was care. My wife and I have spent hundreds of hours with church-planting couples. I’ve had hundreds of lunches with planters. The phone calls, text messages, and emails are innumerable. And after all of that, if there is one thing I’ve learned to be true, the rumors are right: church planting can be devastatingly lonely.

5 Factors of Friendship

You see, in my experience, I’ve found that men build friendships best and fastest through these five factors.

1) Proximity: Access to one another based on where they live, work, worship, learn, or play. Most men don’t go “looking” for friendship. Friendship happens to us.

2) Consistency: Regular proximity over time provides the space men need because we tend to not “go deep” as quickly as women. We need consistent, ongoing opportunities to be with other guys for connections to be created.

3) Difficulty: Mutual suffering—through exercise, the military, or shared life events—galvanizes men together. This is why when men, even 20-40 years removed, speak about their closest friends, it is almost always stories from their high school sports team or their time serving in the military. Suffering together speeds up the time necessary for a deep, abiding connection.

4) Affinity: Shared similarities in ideas or interests bring men together. Men often need something to gather around, a reason to be in the same room, and a subject to discuss. Sports, hobbies, philosophy, politics, and even religion give men a starting place to build from.

5) Ingenuity: Solving a problem together whether at work or in our personal lives, coaching a team, or belonging to a board. Serving others and solving problems together gives men something to unify around and builds a common identity.

Here’s what I believe: Give men consistent proximity that allows them to suffer or solve problems together or enjoy a shared affinity, and even men of vastly different backgrounds, passions, and pursuits will build friendships for life.

But …

Much of this exists in the life of a church planter. They have proximity to others on a consistent basis. People are in the room for a central purpose: Jesus. There are plenty of problems to solve and tasks to take on—and many of them amount to a moderate, if not greater level of suffering. And through all of this, many friendships are forged. But still, church planting is lonely. Why?

Why Loneliness Endures

Loneliness endures because full vulnerability and transparency aren’t always possible. Now, don’t get me wrong here. Church planters shouldn’t live a life of duplicity. They should be the same men at home and in “real life” as they are at church. What do I mean, then? It’s sort of like the famous leadership line from Spiderman, “With great power comes great responsibility.” Leadership comes with many challenges, one of which is leading with the wisdom of selective disclosure in certain environments.

Here’s a great example. Just sit in the circle at a men’s small group at any church as they ask for prayer requests. I’ve been doing this for 20 years and the categories are always the same: marriage, work, kids, and personal sin. Around that circle, man after man can share their struggles, needs, and even complaints openly and without judgment. And especially, without consequence. Sure, there will be gospel-centered feedback and even push-back, when necessary, but there is an explicit freedom. But what would happen if a church planter complained about his job? His coworkers? His wife? When the average small group member shares their challenges, it doesn’t affect anyone else in that circle. When the planter shares, it affects them all.

How Loneliness Can End

So, where are church planters and pastors supposed to find the deepest level of community possible where they can be their full selves and get the kind of care and help that they structure for everyone else in their church? Answer: fellow planters and pastors.

Yet, the same factors exist. Planters need consistent proximity to one another. They need opportunities to be in the same room again and again with guys just like them. They need opportunities to discuss the struggles and difficulties they are facing that no one else may fully understand but another church planter. They need a place to vent frustrations without unintended negative consequences.

Planters also need a place to work through problems. At any moment, the average church planter is wrestling through five to ten system struggles in his church. How do we break through this barrier? What do we do about our kids’ space, small parking lot, small groups that are growing without enough leaders to multiply, and so much more? Finally, friendship among planters can also be catalyzed by shared affinity. Planters with similar small group structures, Sunday service models, or even secondary doctrinal leanings step into a relationship with a lot of ground already covered.

A Network of Friends

And that’s why I’m incredibly passionate about church planting networks. Yes, there is a synergy that is built that leads to more churches being planted. Yes, there are things we can do together that we can’t do alone. But when done right, a church planting network allows for planters to experience brotherhood and for their wives to experience sisterhood that they desperately need—and is difficult to find anywhere else.

So, what’s your first step? Well, if you’re looking for a family to call home, I hope you’ll check out Send Network. We are a family of churches planting churches everywhere for everyone. We’re a big tent family with lots of opportunity for small tribe connections. So, whether you’re missional or attractional, life groups or missional communities, suits and boots or jeans and Jordans when you preach, I believe you’ll be able to find friendships that you truly need for the long haul of church planting. Plus, we have an intentional strategy led by Care Champions and Spouse Advocates in cities and regions all over North America that serve to build opportunities for the context of friendship to take place.

No matter what, let me leave you with this: You don’t find brotherhood by looking for it. You find it by building it. Church planting has prepared you for the task of building something where it didn’t formerly exist. You’ve blazed a trail before. Go blaze the trail of brotherhood. And as you do, know that so many others will drive in your wagon tracks, out of loneliness and into friendship.