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3 Principles for Meaningful Men’s Ministry
Three things are required to begin and to maintain a practice and priority of such honesty.
Men’s ministry, especially when starting out in a church plant, needs a clear trajectory and culture.
It needs to have an objective: what is this ministry for? If the objective is to draw men nearer to Jesus and closer to one another (as it should be) then a core tent of the ministry needs to be honesty. Men cannot grow closer to Jesus or deeper in true friendship with one another without real, vulnerable, risky honesty.
There’s no question that society is not where it once was when it comes to men opening up about their internal lives. Prior generations didn’t even have categories for this, and that was a blessing and a curse, a source of fortitude and rigidity. Modern men have been ushered into an era in which “authenticity” is a virtue, but where discretion is often lacking. Even with the current prevalence of sharing and processing and opening up, it remains true that for most men, revealing the truth of our deepest selves is wildly uncomfortable and even feels unsafe. We may acknowledge that it is healthy, but if so, it’s healthy like open-heart surgery.
In fact, opening up about struggles, sins, failures, and fears is unsafe in almost every context. The world’s responses to such revelations are either empty affirmation or critical shaming. We are exposing ourselves to gossip and placing the most vulnerable parts of our lives in untrustworthy hands. We pay for therapists because, at the very least, they are bound by some confidentiality and ethical principles. Or maybe we hide behind a version of masculinity that calls vulnerability “soft” or “mushy,” and in so doing, we inhibit and stunt our relationships and spiritual development. In short, moving men to real honesty about what is really going on in our souls is a tall task for good reason. It simply doesn’t feel natural.
But it is natural, deeply natural, in that it is aligned with God’s intended purpose for humanity. Genesis 2 describes man’s uninhibited relationship with God and one another–unhindered, unhidden, unashamed, open. Sin broke all that, and sin is why we now hide, why honesty is a risk, and why it feels unnatural. And so we need something supernatural to occur; we need the power of the Holy Spirit to stir hearts and create a relational reality where men can take steps of real, vulnerable honesty and, in so doing, walk toward that unhindered relationship with God and one another.
In a men’s ministry, this does not simply happen. It is rarely spontaneous or accidental. Three things are required to begin and to maintain a practice and priority of such honesty.
1. Real honesty needs a biblical setup.
Men need to hear from God why it is worth it to take the risk. They need to hear the summons and the promise. Give them 1 John 1:7 and James 5:16. Show them that they are called from the darkness of hiding and dishonesty into the open light of Christ. Remind them that this isn’t merely a suggestion; it is a description of how faithful Christians live and a command for their good. Show them how this step moves them from isolation to fellowship with Jesus and with one another. Show them that the response to confession is prayer, lifting brothers up to the One who can handle their deepest sins and shame and struggle. Inspiration and invitation aren’t enough to break men out of their shells. They need the Holy Spirit to stir them, and the Spirit most commonly and clearly works through the written word of God. So declare it, expound upon it, and depend upon it.
2. Real honesty needs ground rules.
Inviting men into honesty with no guidance increases the feeling of risk and actually puts everyone at risk because things can go off the rails quickly. Some men need ground rules to help them open their mouths and take a risk; others need ground rules to keep their mouths closed so that they don’t snuff out the smoldering wick of honesty. If a man confesses something sensitive and the response is poor, he may never open his mouth again (or come back to men’s ministry again, for that matter). Here are some practical instructions you can give in a men’s gathering of any size:
- Explain the format (small groups, pairs of men, everyone together) – this will depend on the makeup and size of the group. There’s not one right way.
- Explain what kind of sharing men are being called into. They can share the deepest, most embarrassing, and most difficult hidden parts of their lives. Walking in the light, as 1 John 1:7 calls us to, means dragging everything into the light of Christ.
- Explain what will happen when they share. You will not be shocked. You will not condemn. Every man in that room has deep, dark struggles at a heart level and needs the same grace from Christ, so you will respond with grace. When a man shares, he will not be corrected or instructed at that moment. He will not have books, podcasts, or therapeutic steps suggested. All those might be beneficial for him at some point, but at the tender moment of vulnerable honesty, what he needs is simply “I hear you, brother. I understand. Let’s go to Christ together in prayer now.”
- Explain what happens after men share: protection. Honesty must be protected; gossip and chit-chat are inexcusable. What is shared in an honest men’s ministry is not dragged outside those walls for further deliberation and public interest. Of course, there are certain kinds of confessions that require follow-up because they deal with legal or safety matters. And if a man repeatedly confesses the same kind of sin–pornography, anger, etc.–it is appropriate to have a follow-up private conversation to determine appropriate steps for help and growth. But it is vital that in the context of your men’s ministry, when men are sharing, they know they will be received and that what they say will not be spread.
3. Real honesty needs the leaders to go first.
Nobody will out-honest the leader. If you set the bar for honesty at “I had a hard week,” you will hear a series of sob stories about hard weeks. But if you set the bar at “my mind and heart keep turning toward lustful thoughts, and I hate it” or “I am so prideful and constantly compare myself to others, and it’s miserable,” you will get genuine vulnerability from men who are ready. And this might take time. You might be a man on an island for a while before others begin to trust and are willing to take a risk. In being this kind of honest, you are doing more than setting an example; you are serving your own soul and aligning yourself with God, you are showing the men the truth of what you claim, and you are embodying the kind reality you are inviting them into.
Vulnerable honesty will never be easy in men’s ministry. It will be awkward at first and repeatedly. (But you are a church planter, so you are used to awkward, right?) But it will always be worth it, even if it is a slow burn and shows little results for a time. It will be worth it because it is right and because it is moving men toward a deeper reality with Jesus. Over time, it will transform the men of your church and even your church as a whole.
