Article
When I Don’t Feel Like a Pastor
Here are four practices I have been learning to combat the distractions and burdens and lies that make me feel like a fraud and undermine my effectiveness as God’s minister.
Recently one of our elders, as we were milling about waiting for our monthly meeting to start, looked me in the eye and said, “You know you’re our pastor, right? Like, a real pastor.” Some discernment in him recognized in me a tendency to doubt myself and my fit for the calling God has placed on my life. In plain words he offered me the firm encouragement I so often need. (Folks, get yourself some elders like this.) At that moment I was doing fine, but almost weekly there comes a time when I do not feel like a pastor. Usually, it is on Sunday mornings. Maybe I am alone in this and am functionally sharing my journal pages, but I suspect other pastors encounter similar doubts and struggles.
The Struggle is Real
I rarely sleep well on Saturday nights. My mind is racing. The details of Sunday ping through my mind. The anticipation of all that is to come revs me up. So, I wake up on Sundays exhausted and vulnerable to discouragement and irritability. I roll out of bed with fog in my mind and a weight on my heart.
As I dress and head downstairs to receive the gift of caffeine, I am distracted with everything from ministry to-dos to stupid social media posts. My mind is flitting from thing to thing with no productivity or purpose. Or I am being very productive in matters that are not the purpose of the day–paying bills instead of paying attention to my heart, corresponding with church members instead of hearing from the Holy Spirit.
As I settle in to finish my preparations for our worship service, whether I am preaching or leading some other portion, I often begin to worry about unrelated matters. Not insignificant matters, but not corporate gathering matters either–my kids, our finances, my marriage.
Then I get in the car to drive the 25 minutes to church in time for service walk-through and prayer with the team. And that 25 minutes is the devil’s playground. He brings to mind vivid images of past sins–sexual failures, harsh words, damaged relationships, failures of nerve–and haunts me with guilt and shame about things for which I have long-since repented for and sought to make amends.
And that is how I easily arrive at church on a Sunday feeling every bit like a frazzled fraud rather than a real pastor. And that is why I am so thankful for wise men of God to whom I can be honest about these struggles and for the counsel they have shared. Here are four practices I have been learning to combat the distractions and burdens and lies that make me feel like a fraud and undermine my effectiveness as God’s minister.
1. Pray
Sometimes the obvious answer is the right answer, and often we are too clever for our own good and try to move past it. Prayer is so clearly foundational and essential that we often fail to actually do it. But for a burdened pastor, there is nothing that matters more. From the moment my alarm drags me from sleep, I have learned I need to be praying, handing my day, my heart, my mind, my energies (or lack thereof) over to God. Prayer presses back against the assaults of distraction, worry, and guilt and invites in the work of the Holy Spirit to clarify, calm, and comfort. It is the breeze that blows away the fog of fatigue and the clouds of spiritual oppression. And it is an act of dependance, placing every aspect of life and ministry in the hands of the one who makes them effective.
2. Remember Your Call
When we feel like we don’t belong, like we are unworthy to pastors the flock of God, we are sort of right. No man is worthy by our own merit. But since when does any Christian base anything on our own merit, especially those of who preach salvation by grace alone? The lie of “imposter syndrome” is direct defiance to God’s call on our lives. He has, in His perfect wisdom, called us as pastors to serve and lead His people. He has placed the desire in our hearts and put us in a particular ministry context to do the work of the ministry. When we feel like frauds, we must stop short of tacitly telling God He has screwed up. He called us, and He does not make mistakes. We may blow it in ministry, but He did not blow it by placing us there.
3. Preach to Yourself
We are adept at preaching to others. We believe the great truths of the gospel on behalf of others. We boldly proclaim the words of the Bible for others. But our hearts need these truths first and just as much. When we are clouded by distraction and anxiety and burdened by guilt for past failings we need a good sermon, and we are good preachers. Preach justification by faith to your heart. Declare Christus Victor over your sin. Extol Jesus our intercessor to your guilt. Exposit Romans 8 and expound upon John 17 to your heart. Turn your biblical ammo inward, take aim at the lies assaulting your heart, and unload until the enemy retreats.
4. Receive
We are members of the churches we pastor. We need the ministry of the word. We need to sing with our church family and be sung over. We need to be led in prayer, not just lead in prayer. We need the fellowship of believers for encouragement and joy and unity in Jesus. Yes, we work at church. Yes, we pour ourselves out for our churches. But we must be recipients of God’s grace through the ministry of His church too so that we can drive home after church grateful, glad, marveling, refreshed, corrected, and ready for that glorious Sunday nap to make up for Saturday night’s terrible sleep.
