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The Art of Hard Conversations: Speaking the Truth in Love
Here are some best practices that can help you lead with greater wisdom and grace in this crucial area.
If you serve in leadership long enough, you will inevitably find yourself navigating relational conflict. Because of the presence of sin, this is not only expected—it’s inevitable. And for pastors and ministry leaders, it’s often amplified. If you’re not willing to have hard conversations, you’re not ready to lead.
Difficult conversations require emotional intelligence, spiritual discernment, strong communication skills, courage, and humility. Here are some best practices that can help you lead with greater wisdom and grace in this crucial area.
Prepare Your Heart and Mind
Check your emotions before you check your talking points. Entering a conversation with the right words but the wrong heart can do more harm than good. I’ve wrongly done this at times. Process and pray through any anger, frustration, or anxiety before having conversations. Aim to enter the meeting with a calm and composed heart—led by the Spirit, not your flesh. This doesn’t mean ignoring your emotions; it means submitting them to the Lord and not allowing them to ruin an already difficult conversation.
Choose the Right Time and Place
Ecclesiastes 3:1 reminds us that there is a time for everything. You might be right, but if you begin the discussion at the wrong time or in the wrong way, it may do more damage than good.
Pick a private, neutral location where both parties feel safe and undistracted. Avoid addressing issues in the heat of the moment unless absolutely necessary. And as much as possible, never use email or text for hard conversations. Face-to-face or phone is always better.
Address the Issue, Not Their Identity
Avoid language that attacks their identity: “You are always …” or “You never understand …” Instead, focus on specific behaviors or patterns and their impact on you. Your talking points should be focused on a specific issue that needs to change or be addressed, not a full assault on their character. Address the issue, not their identity.
Leadership coach Dave Kline offers a helpful framework for addressing specific issues in conflict that I love to utilize:
“When you ________, I experienced ___________, which resulted in ___________.”
This keeps the conversation grounded in facts and personal experiences rather than assumptions or accusations.
Listen to Understand, Not Just Respond
Let the other person speak. Resist the urge to interrupt, correct, or defend every point. Silence, when used well, can be powerful. Remember: healthy conversations are about what is right, not who is right. You are not the Holy Spirit—it’s not your job to convict the other person (John 16:8). Make sure to practice active listening by reflecting, summarizing, and asking clarifying questions. Say things like, “What I hear you saying is…” This builds trust and avoids misunderstanding. Too often we hear but don’t listen—and the result is miscommunication and disconnection.
Stay On Topic
Don’t let the conversation spiral into unrelated frustrations. Keep it focused. It helps to prepare specific examples beforehand (use Dave Kline’s format) rather than speaking off the cuff. If the conversation drifts, gently bring it back on course. Say things like:
“That’s important, and we can definitely discuss that. But let’s first finish talking through this issue.”
Take Ownership Where Needed
Be willing to acknowledge your own faults and blind spots. You may be right about the situation, but wrong in how you handled it. Or you may be the one in need of correction.
In either case, resist defensiveness. Don’t over-explain or rationalize. Just own it. Seek forgiveness. Ask what needs to be made right, and follow through. Humility builds bridges, and vulnerability fosters trust. As pastors and leaders, we are not above correction ourselves. I’ve been corrected on many occasions, and it’s been good for my soul.
Be Clear About What Change Looks Like
The goal isn’t just to expose sin or offense, but to offer a path forward—toward Christ, health, and restored relationship.
Pointing out a diagnosis without offering hope or healing isn’t pastoral—it’s incomplete. Be honest about what needs to change, and clear about what steps can be taken to get there. Also, communicate what the consequences might be if change doesn’t happen.
Close the conversation with clarity and support, not confusion or unresolved tension:
- What is the outcome we’re aiming for?
- What are the next steps?
- How can I walk with you in this?
Recap for Clarity and Unity
Before ending the conversation, take a few moments to summarize what was discussed, what was agreed upon, and what comes next. Emotions can cloud memory. When we’re upset, we often miss key moments or misinterpret others’ words. A clear recap helps prevent misunderstanding or miscommunication.
This is also a powerful moment to reaffirm the relationship. If continued fellowship is possible, reaffirm your love and commitment to walk together.
Pray for Them—and With Them
Prayer is vital—both before and after the conversation. If you’re unable to pray with the person afterward, that may signal a deep relational wound. Ask God for wisdom, humility, clarity, and peace—for both of you. Invite the Spirit into the space where conflict has lived. Prayer shifts the atmosphere and reminds us that God is the ultimate reconciler.
Maturity in hard conversations is an art—one that comes through experience, humility, and often through failure. I’ve learned these principles the hard way—by doing it wrong first.
As leaders, we must remember that every person is an image-bearer of God. The way we speak truth must reflect grace, compassion, and love.
Hard conversations are unavoidable. But the way we handle them can determine whether relationships fracture—or flourish.
