Article
Parenting Strong-Willed Kids in the Pressure of Church Planting
What if what you’re seeing is something else entirely, a will that is not strong, but untethered?
Church planting exposes a lot about us and about our kids. The expectations feel heavy, the spotlight can feel invasive, and the constant sense of being watched can make the normal messiness of parenting feel like public commentary on your spiritual leadership.
And when one of your kids pushes back, melts down, or refuses to listen, something in you tenses. Not just because it’s hard, but because you know someone is watching.
We often label these moments as “strong-willed.” But what if that label is wrong?
What if your child isn’t strong-willed at all?
What if what you’re seeing is something else entirely, a will that is not strong, but untethered?
Not strong.
Not stubborn.
Just … unanchored.
A will without direction, desires without discipleship, emotions without leadership.
A child who hasn’t yet learned how to lead what’s going on inside of them.
And church-planting parents … you are not imagining it, your kids carry expectations they never asked for.
The Unspoken Pressure on Church-Planting Kids
Your kids didn’t choose the fishbowl. They didn’t volunteer to be the example child, the polite child, or the “future leader” child.
They didn’t ask to be evaluated in every lobby, stared at in every service, or placed in invisible comparison charts next to someone else’s ideal.
You didn’t ask for it either. And truthfully, it isn’t fair.
When a child grows up under pressure they never agreed to, their inner world often becomes louder and more chaotic. That internal chaos is what leaks out as defiance, resistance, or emotional volatility.
It’s not strength.
It’s insecurity.
It’s overwhelm.
It’s a heart without a home base.
Which means this: You’re not battling a strong will. You’re shepherding an untethered one.
And how you respond in those moments becomes one of the most formative parts of their discipleship.
Strength Isn’t Stubbornness
We tend to call stubborn kids “strong,” especially when their resistance drains every ounce of our patience. But in Scripture, real strength has almost nothing to do with digging in, pushing back, or standing your ground for the sake of it.
Biblical strength looks like:
- self-control that steadies the soul (Galatians 5:22–23)
- discernment that chooses the wise path (Philippians 1:9–10)
- the courage to say no to yourself (Titus 2:11–12)
So, when a child refuses to listen or spirals emotionally, they’re not displaying strength—it’s a sinful heart. And it’s also revealing a heart that feels unled, unanchored, and unsure.
Their behavior isn’t just a problem; it’s the symptom.
Their will isn’t powerful; it’s wandering.
Their resistance isn’t strength; it’s directionless determination waiting for guidance.
If You Get Their Heart, You Will Shape Their Behavior
This is the hinge point of the entire conversation.
Behavior is always the echo of the heart. Always.
A child whose heart is connected—known, safe, seen, rooted—will begin to choose differently.
A child whose heart is disconnected—ashamed, overwhelmed, uncertain—will act out of that internal instability.
You can correct behavior all day long, but unless you shepherd the heart toward God and his word, all you’re doing is trimming branches while the roots remain untouched.
This is why identity comes before obedience.
Belonging precedes becoming.
Connection shapes choices.
When your child knows who they are—and whose they are—their will begins to settle, strengthen, and eventually submit to truth.
This is the work of discipleship in the home.
Identity: Where Strength Begins
God has always worked this way:
- Gideon is called a “mighty warrior” before he ever picks up a sword.
- Peter is named “a rock” long before he becomes steady.
- Israel is called “chosen and treasured” while they’re still wavering.
Identity always precedes transformation.
So when your child is flailing, the answer isn’t more pressure—it’s more anchoring in the gospel.
If your child is a believer, speak over them what God speaks:
“You are loved.”
“You are chosen.”
“You belong.”
“You are called.”
“You are capable because the Spirit lives in you.”
Identity stabilizes the will. Grace strengthens the inner person. Belonging builds the foundation for obedience.
When defiance rises, it is not a sign to overpower their will; it’s a sign that their will needs guidance.
An untethered will needs:
- Identity spoken consistently and calmly
- Parents who model the very self-control they’re inviting their kids into
- Questions that pull the child toward reflection, not reaction
- Guidance toward repentance—not shame, but redirection
- A lived example of what repentance looks like in real time
What they do not need:
- louder voices
- harsher consequences
- your will overpowering theirs
If you teach them that strength is domination, they will grow into adults who dominate or collapse. If you teach them that strength is Spirit-shaped self-leadership, they will eventually learn to follow Jesus in their daily choices.
Your goal is not to bend their will to yours—it is to anchor their will to Him.
Practical Rhythms for Church-Planting Parents
Here are grounding practices that help anchor your kids—even under unfair expectations:
- Speak Identity Every Day.
Declare who they are in Christ, not who they failed to be today.
- Slow Down Instead of Escalate.
Your calm becomes their compass. Your steadiness leads their storm.
- Ask Heart-Revealing Questions.
Not interrogation—invitation:
- “What were you hoping for?”
- “What felt hard?”
- “What do you think Jesus wants for you here?”
- “How can I help?”
- Model Repentance Freely
Your humility has a shaping power on your children. They will vividly remember times you acknowledge your own sin and ask for forgiveness, especially when you are asking your child to forgive you. This models for our kids what it looks like to walk in the light, and how we are all sinners in need of God’s grace.
Take Heart, Church-Planting Parent
Your child’s defiance does not signal failure—yours or theirs.
It signals an opportunity.
It signals a heart needing anchoring.
It signals a moment to guide, not conquer.
Your kids are not growing up in easy soil. But they are growing up in the presence of parents who love Jesus and are learning daily how to shepherd hearts instead of just manage behavior. And that is holy work.
You’re not shaping their will through force. You’re shaping it through love.
Through identity.
Through grace.
Through modeling.
Through steady presence.
And the God who created, loves, and cares for your child is forming them through your imperfect, faithful, gospel-shaped parenting.
You’re not doing this alone. He is with you. He is for your child. And He is the anchor their will needs. Run to Him. Point them to Him—His love, cross, empty tomb, filled throne, and His steadfast love and grace.
