Article
Leading a Church Without Neglecting Your Marriage
Pastor, your marriage is your first ministry. Guard it. Invest in it. Fight for it.
It was over nine years ago, during the second year of our church plant. I was at home in the living room on a phone call with a young man who had recently started attending our church. My wife sat on the couch tending to our children, half-listening as she overheard my conversation.
Before hanging up, I asked him, “What does next Friday morning look like for coffee?” He agreed to meet, I plugged it into my calendar, prayed with him, and hung up. Excited, I told my wife how eager I was to connect with this young man. She looked back at me with a blank stare.
“What? What’s the matter? You okay?” I asked.
Her response cut me to the core: “It’s just so hard to see people get on your schedule so easily when we haven’t gone on a date in months.”
I was deeply convicted. She was right. Why could I so easily schedule coffee with someone else at the drop of a dime, and yet go months without scheduling intentional time with my wife?
That moment taught me a painful but valuable truth: it is dangerously easy to neglect your marriage for the sake of ministry. I didn’t marry the church—I married Danielle. And yet my life didn’t reflect that. I was running 100 miles per hour in church-planting mode, unintentionally sidelining my first ministry, my marriage. Over the years, I’ve had to learn—often the hard way—how to lead a church without neglecting my marriage. Here are some best practices that continue to shape me:
Leave and Cleave
Genesis 2:24 reminds us that marriage is about leaving and cleaving—leaving behind other allegiances in order to become one with our spouse. That principle applies to ministry too.
If you’re not intentional, ministry will creep into every corner of your home. Talk openly with your spouse about what boundaries you need. For some, that might mean no ministry talk during dinner or family time. For others, it may mean silencing notifications at night, or leaving laptops in the office instead of the bedroom.
Boundaries don’t diminish ministry impact. They actually protect the sacred covenant God entrusted to you.
Manage Your Calendar—Schedule the Time
Whatever makes it on my calendar, I tend to stick to. That’s why scheduling intentional time with your spouse is crucial. Don’t just hope for date nights or family moments—plan them.
Put walks, coffee shop visits, movie nights, or even downtime at home on the calendar. Treat those moments as non-negotiable appointments. Plan three or four months out if you can, and adjust as needed. Pastors schedule ministry meetings and sermon prep without hesitation—why not prioritize the person you promised to love for life?
Pray Together Regularly
I’ll confess—this is an area I’ve often failed in. It’s easier to pray with church members than with my own wife at times. But praying together cultivates intimacy and spiritual unity that nothing else can.
Keep it simple. Ask each other:
- What are the top three things I can pray for this week?
- How is your soul really doing?
- What victories can we thank God for together?
Hold hands and pray. Prayer doesn’t need to be long or highly organized. It just needs to be genuine.
Monitor Your Margin
You cannot give your spouse what you do not have. Ministry drains more than hours; it drains emotional energy, capacity, and presence. If you’re not careful, you’ll come home physically there but mentally disconnected. I know that I have.
Think of your life like a phone battery. You notice when it drops to 10 percent and plug it in before it dies. Do the same with your soul. Watch for warning signs: irritability, shortness with your spouse, lack of joy, or checked-out conversations. These are signs you’re running low.
Build rhythms of rest. Protect your Sabbath. Step away before burnout sets in. If you fail to monitor your margin, your spouse will feel the neglect long before your church notices.
Invite Accountability
Pastors often urge their people to live in community, yet many live without it themselves. Who asks you about your marriage? Who reminds you to go home instead of staying late at the office?
Find older couples who can mentor you. Invite trusted friends or your small group to ask hard questions. Accountability isn’t about shame—it’s about protection. Every leader needs guardrails if they want to finish well.
Learn the Right Yes
One of the hardest words for pastors to say is no. But every yes to a church request is a no to someone else. Too often, the no falls on your spouse.
Protect your marriage by learning the right yes. Say yes to your wife before saying yes to another meeting. Say yes to family dinner before saying yes to a late-night counseling session. The church is your current assignment; your spouse is your covenant. They are not the same.
You married your spouse, not your ministry. Don’t confuse the two.
Embrace Seasons
Marriage, like ministry, has seasons. Some seasons allow more time together; others are full of demands—restless young children, health battles, graduate school, or ministry crises. The key is perspective.
Don’t let temporary seasons create relations droughts. Lean into God’s grace together, stay patient, and find small ways to stay connected. Remind each other often: this is a season, not forever.
Leading a church is a weighty calling. But neglecting your marriage in the process is not only unwise—it’s unloving. It’s sinful. A healthy marriage is one of the greatest gifts you can give your church. When your congregation sees you love, cherish, and prioritize your wife, you’re not just preaching with your words—you’re preaching with your life.
Pastor, your marriage is your first ministry. Guard it. Invest in it. Fight for it. Because the health of your church tomorrow begins with the health of your home today.
